And so, in typical fashion, as he had done with much of his college experience as a whole, he put off learning anything until the last few weeks.
Feelings
I had a very long conversation with one of my closest friends tonight about being genuine. I act a lot, apparently. A facade. Under the facade, when it’s present, is genuine-ness, but it’s not always there. And other people can apparently tell when I’m acting. Which is weird because i’m not entirely sure I can always tell. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I’m very forcefully acting, but that’s, to me, when my feelings and my consideration of others dictates that I don’t say what’s on my mind. That it’s not nice. That honesty isn’t the best policy. Like if someone asks how I am when they’re having a shitty day, I’ll typically avoid the question even if I have had a shitty day as well.
I don’t know when I’m acting anymore though. I can’t tell at all. Because everything feels real to me. And everything apparently seems fake to everyone else. It scares me. Because that means i can’t tell when I’m being real with people. and i’m still not convinced that acting isn’t me being real.
I was going to write about UT and how much it has meant to me, but the sun burned my brain away. I’ll talk about all that later. Or not.
This week
It’s worse than last week, and last week was going to be the worst week for a while. But in the past 48 hours, I’ve experienced hopelessness, helplessness, and oddly enough intellectual intimidation unlike any i’ve experienced so far.
I’m scared.
And I’m sick.
Sleep
I have a strange relationship with sleep in that I don’t. I try - and I love waking up.
I think I’m afraid of sleep, which is a weird thing to admit. I’m petrified of sleeping because there is an entire world of people and there are things happening out there and there’s life and wakefulness outside of your window. or in your apartment. But anything can happen to you while you’re asleep. And dreams…anything can happen in there. And a lot does - to me. I’m never the protagonist in my dreams. I’m always someone who dies or someone who kills. I’m afraid of my own brain.
I’m afraid of my brain and I’m afraid to sleep. this is a healthy combo.
Double (D) Feature.
And I wept because I realized the universe I looked at every night from my window before I went to bed could be seen in her eyes and his smile and their hands weaving their parts of the universe into each other.
